I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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