Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
