the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Randomize
