I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
