Is it normal to miss your booty call?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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