i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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