I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
