I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
