My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
