I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
