He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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