If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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