so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Enjoy the penises
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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