Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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