I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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