If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
My balls are so social today.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
