Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
