I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
