New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
