So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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