Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
