Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
