Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
