This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
