twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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