True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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