Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
