if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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