walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
