Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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