Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
