If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
