I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
