I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
