Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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