sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
