Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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