i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
