Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I need a burrito and a hug.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
