so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
