did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
