I think im going to throw up on grandma
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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