I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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