Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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