I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
