had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
