I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
