Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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