If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
