i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
