fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
