so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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