chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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