It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
