the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
